When I Was a Lad

WHEN I WAS A LAD

(More for the Fans of Gilbert & Sullivan)
By Robert B. Martin Jr.

(To the tune of “When I was a Lad”)

When I was a lad I worked for free

As mailing clerk for our society.

I licked the stamps, dumped trash in the bin,

And pasted all the labels on the bulletin.

I pasted all the labels on the proper side

And now I am the author of a rose care guide!

CHORUS. — He pasted, etc.


As mailing clerk I made such a stir

They named me the bulletin editor.

I wrote short writs in a hand so bland,

And copied all the articles around the land—

I copied the articles with so little pride,

That now I am the author of a rose care guide!

CHORUS. — He copied, etc.


In doin’ the bulletin I made such a name

That a Master Gardener I soon became;

I planted a rose and worked the hoe

For the pass examination at the fairground show,

The rose, my herbs and the plants all died,

And now I am the author of a rose care guide!

CHORUS. — The rose, the herbs and his plants, etc.


With writing knowledge and a little kowtow

I soon was awarded a Quill and Trowel.

And that plaque of the Quill and Trowel, I ween,

Was the only trowel I ever had seen.

But that kind of trowel with my skill complied,

And now I am the author of a rose care guide!

CHORUS. — But that kind, etc.


I wrote so much that I was keen

To do a garden column for a magazine.

I always wrote at the editor’s call,

And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.

I thought so little, she took me aside

And appointed me the author of a rose care guide!

CHORUS. — He thought so little, etc.


Now plantsmen all, whoever you may be,

If you want to rise to the top of the tree,

If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,

Be careful to be guided by this golden rule—

Stick close to your desks and never go outside,

And you all may be authors of a rose care guide!

CHORUS. — Stick close, etc.